A Few Thoughts on Gratitude

Last night I was reading the private blog of a fellow Hodgkin's Lymphoma survivor who wrote, what I think, are some very provoking thoughts on positivity and gratitude.  After being in remission for some time, she just learned that she has relapsed.  Here is an excerpt from her blog...

"I don't want any other cancer warrior to think I am bubbly and optimistic twenty four seven even after receiving such disappointing news.  There is a huge difference between being 'happy' and being 'grateful.'  The gratefulness piece is always in me. Always.  However, it was tough to get out of bed the last few days and to look at the bright side of things when the reality is that more treatment will continue in the future.  I think it's important for those that are ill or receive hard news, that we are still gentle with ourselves.  In the beginning I used to repress these feelings and ignore them, realizing they would only come out later to bite me in the butt.  Now, if I feel down for a few days, I let myself.  Usually after a week or two, I find myself back on my feet again and moving.  I am no superwoman -- none of us are, so I believe its truly important to let yourself 'be' in these types of situations."

Now, I am generally a very grateful person - and 99% of the time a very optimistic person - but I have to admit that this girl is one step ahead of me because I've only just learned what she already has, that it is ok to let yourself feel down when you actually do...and to let yourself 'be' when you need to.  Sometimes it is necessary to experience those feelings, and then they pass and you move on.  Like she says, for me the gratitude and hope are ever present, but I've come to realize that it is not just ok - but healthy - to let myself experience the emotions of sadness or frustration.

Over the past few months of dealing with chronic Graft versus Host Disease (since my previous post), I've had a few of these moments as my strength has been sapped and my body has been changing in not-so-pleasant ways from two months of being on high-dose steroids.  It has been a frustrating two months, and Wednesday I was admitted to the hospital yet again, while the doctors try to figure out why my blood levels all tanked over the past week.

Yesterday they performed another bone-marrow biopsy on me...and afterwards I decided that I needed to reward myself, since it is such a painful procedure.  This is another good lesson learned - how to allow myself rewards - and so I walked across the street from the hospital to Starbucks and treated myself to an iced mocha caffe with extra whipped topping!  Yum!  Now, that is something to be grateful for!  Also, during the biopsy I just kept thinking, "yeah, this hurts, but at least I'm not cutting off my arm with a dull pen knife!  (Have you seen the movie, 127 Hours?)

So, in addition to those two, I'd like to share a few other random things that I'm grateful for (in no particular order):

- back porches and hammocks
- having a car that is paid off
- dental floss (i love that feeling of freshly flossed teeth!)
- Sunday breakfasts with Sherri and Pam
- spring flowers and a mom with a serious green thumb

- chubby babies - they're just too cute!
- being one of the few people of my generation who has actually benefited from Social Security, and not just paid into it
- today I'm not sore from yesterday's bone marrow biopsy
- CHOCOLATE!!!
- being able to encourage people
- wash -n- wear hair
- best friends, birthdays, ice-cream pie from Handel's, and licking the plate clean!

- the independence of being single
- joyful memories
- finding those perfect shoes that aren't just cute, but make your feet feel awesome...and then buying them in two colors!
- friends with campers who invite you over and feed you yummy camp food (Peggy)
- kids who innocently ask why that girl is wearing a mask, and parents who aren't afraid to give a real answer instead of embarrassingly shushing them
- new home office furniture that I will soon be assembling...it's like a big jigsaw puzzle and I love it!
- Jesus, who never changes and is the source of my gratitude, hope, strength and life
- my laptop, cell phone, ipod, Netflix, and HGTV
- living next door to my parents
- wonderfully supportive friends at work who check in on me and two years ago helped send me to Europe
- looking forward to traveling again
- my nurses at the stem cell clinic who always make me laugh and smile with their antics

It's certainly not a comprehensive list...I could keep going - fruit, indoor plumbing, clothing with elastic, eyesight - but I'll stop for now and just ask this...

What are you grateful for?

Power Outage

I came home around 7 yesterday evening after a full and fun day that included a wonderful church service, breakfast with Sherri, and shoe shopping (yay!).  I also arrived home with two new pairs of shoes (double yay!)!  Famished, I flipped on the light switch in the kitchen to begin making dinner, and nothing happened.  So I looked to the clock on the microwave and it was blank...looked at the VCR in the living room, blank also.  Ugh, the power is out.  I guess that will really limit my dinner options - no stove, no microwave...

But my first priority, while there was still some daylight, was assembling as many candles as were available and lighting them around the house.  I gathered 23 in all and had them strewn about the kitchen, living room and bathroom.  I dug out my camping gear where my headlamp was stashed, and set about making my tuna salad sandwich, the only thing I could come up with that did not require cooking of any sort.

Then I sat down to a very lovely candlelit dinner while the chimes on my back porch played wildly in the wind that was undoubtedly the culprit for the loss of electricity.  Aside from the chimes, everything was so silent...no sounds from the furnace or the refrigerator...those barely noticeable hums that our electronic appliances eminate that just blend in to the background unnoticed, that is until they aren't there.

It was quite a beautiful evening actually.  Peaceful and calming.  And I thought to myself, why don't I just turn out the lights and turn off the electronics and enjoy this same peacefulness more often?  Why do I only enjoy it when it is forced upon me?

I couldn't help myself, but had to grab my camera and begin taking pictures of all the candles and the glow and reflections that they were creating.  It was enchanting.

When the power did come back on around 10 o'clock, I decided that I would just leave the lights out and finish the evening by candlelight until bedtime.  I did however appreciate having the furnace back on, as the house was becoming a bit chilly...

Gratitude

I don't know if there is a gratitude quite like that which comes with facing the possibility of losing your life, or your quality of life, and then receiving it again. This is the gratitude that I've been experiencing since last week when I got my wonderful news. Every morning since then, I wake up and tell myself, "I was supposed to be in the hospital today, and I'm not! I'm here in my own bed, with a whole day before me!" It seems that the possibilities are endless. And the truth is that they pretty much are!

Last night, I laid in my hammock after dark, wrapped up in a blanket to ward off the chilly night air. I laid there for over an hour just gazing up at the stars. I am in awe of everything right now, just as though I'm seeing it all with new eyes...or at least with more appreciative ones. Looking at the stars took me back to Greece and to Italy, two places where I also laid and watched the stars. In Greece, we were on the beach with the waves of the Mediterranean sea lapping up at our feet. We faced south and the big dipper was just over my right shoulder. The stars were so amazingly clear that night. Sherri saw a shooting star. In Italy, we watched the stars from the roof terrace of our hotel. Again, we were facing south so we had much of the same view. From that vantage point, we stargazed for our two nights in Cinque Terre. The first night, I asked God if He would show me a shooting star like Sherri got to see when we were in Greece. After making my request, I saw two shooting stars. The following night, I saw two again. Last night, as I stared at the vast array above me, I was overwhelmed with the enormity of God's goodness to me. While I watched, yet another star shot across the sky. I have never in my life seen so many shooting stars, and now when I do, it is like I am receiving a special promise from God that He sees me and He knows me.

There is a song that I've been listening to since my doctor's appointment a week and a half ago. The song, by Selah, is called "All My Praise." The entire song voices for me the amazing journey that God has taken me on. One line in the song says "You made every star and You taught it how to shine. You knew my name before there was time. This is just part of Your glorious design." When I hear that line, I believe the truth in that thought, that God did know me before there was time. We are taught that because of the distance away that the stars are from the earth, and the time that it takes for light to travel, to see a shooting star means that it actually fell around hundreds or thousands of years ago for us to see its light now. Stars that we see shining in the night sky might not actually exist anymore, but their light is still traveling to us. When I asked God to show me a shooting star, it didn't just shoot across space that night, but God made that star shoot through space hundreds of years ago. He knew me then, even before I ever existed. And He knew my request, and cared enough about me, to direct those stars. This thought brings me to my knees every time I think it. I am humbled by it, and at the same time filled with such awe and adoration for a God who knows and loves me like that. A God who cares for me so, who is in control of everything, and who is so big yet cares about such small details.

This wonderful song has much meaning for me throughout the rest of it as well. The opening line alone brings me to such a place of worship. It begins "I will follow You through green pastures and sing 'Hallelujah' to Your name." When I hear it, I think of hiking through Switzerland, through the green pastures on the hills, through the lush mountain forests, through the grassy valley, the whole time singing praise songs to God with Sherri. It didn't matter that we didn't sing well...we sang...we couldn't help ourselves. We were surrounded with God's amazing beauty that we had to sing to Him. Not only that, but He took us on that trip. He worked out every detail so perfectly and blessed me so abundantly. My gratitude has been just dripping off of me, because I've been immersed in God's goodness.

The song continues after that line with, "I will follow You through dark disaster and sing 'Hallelujah' through the pain. Even in the shadow of death I will praise You. Even in the valley I will say 'Holy, my God, You are worthy of all my praise.'" Our trip, our walk through those green pastures in Switzerland, was in the fore shadow of death in that it was in the shadow of an upcoming hospitalization and stem cell transplant. For these last two years, I have followed God through dark disaster, and all the while I have been praising Him. The reason that I praise Him is that around every turn, no matter what the situation might be, His goodness is always bigger and more apparent. I can't help but to praise Him because all I see is Him, and He is so worthy of all my praise.

This song seems to have been written for me, for this time. I listen to other music also, but this particular song I keep coming back to and I've been listening to it over and over again on repeat. This feeling of gratitude that has overwhelmed me is nurtured when I listen to this song, and that is something that I want to nurture. So often, we go through life nurturing feelings of doubt or anger or hurt. We feed our minds with self talk of all the different events of the day and our take on them. I am thankful that right now I've gotten a reprieve from the cares of the world to just focus on this one thing, praising God. And right now, that is all I can focus on. Afterall, yesterday I was supposed to receive a stem cell transplant and I didn't. Instead I laid on my hammock beneath a sea of stars and a large moon, listened to the crickets chirping, and felt the cool night air turn my nose into a popsicle. And a star shot across the sky.

A new era

Today begins a new era in my life...

Two days ago I finished my to do list (at work only...the "at home" to do list is still quite long!), packed up my desk, hugged all my coworkers, and walked out of my office. Not for the last time, but for a long time. On my final day, I received such an incredible send-off of cupcakes, cards, laughs, hugs and generosity from all of my coworkers. My coworkers, who are really not simply coworkers, but rather a family of folks who come together day after day, for hours on end...they are the ones I share such a huge piece of my life with...they are my work family. And on Thursday, they made me feel very special and very loved. I am monumentally blessed to work where I do, with each of them...whether or not they are in the same office as me...whether or not I have even ever met them face to face.

Yesterday, I moved my best friend Sherri into my home. It is now "our" home. With the help of many enthusiastic and highly organized friends, Sherri and I packed up her little apartment in Youngstown and relocated her things into the small guest room in my house...and into a small niche in the attic as well. She has decided to move in with me to take care of me when I return home from the hospital in October. Together, she and my mom will provide the round-the-clock care that the doctor has said that I will require for around 2-3 months. Sherri selflessly has decided to give up so much in her life - her independence, her time, her address - to relocate and be here for me. Again, I am a very blessed girl!!

This Friday, less than a week away, Sherri and I will hop a plane to Athens, Greece, where we will begin a six-week adventure backpacking through six European countries. Following Greece, we will visit Spain, France, Switzerland, Germany and Italy. My mom, Erika and Jen will meet up with Sherri and I in Germany, and together the five of us will explore Germany and Italy, visiting the places of my mom's childhood. It will be the adventure of a lifetime, and my last hurrah before embarking on another adventure of a different flavor, my donor stem cell transplant. I have so many to thank for making this trip even a possibility, from the doctor, who gave me his blessing to go and enjoy life, to my work family, who so generously provided the time off and the funds to take the trip, to my loving big sister, who immediately offered to pitch in all that she could to help fund this trip as well...

I don't think I can say enough how immeasurably, abundantly blessed I am. And how overwhelmingly grateful I am to everyone who made this dream come true. If you are one of those ones reading this right now, Thank you, Gracias, Merci, Danke and Grazie! I hope to be in touch again soon!